Life has been pretty unkind to me of late, loosing my mum last year was the final straw that broke the camels back…or so I thought. Unfortunately other events happened which resulted in me reassessing my life and wondering what I should do next. The thing is, I had always been quite reliant on my mums guidance which I see now is wrong because now she’s not here I don’t have an older sibling or family member to look up to for advice.

Re-evaluate and prioritise

Life gets hectic, you start at the beginning of the week and before you realise you’re already in the next week, then it’s Summer and then before you know it it’ll be the build up to Christmas and New Year. Stop! It is so easy to get carried away with a whole year and not realise what is going on in your life, your life, not just life.

I had to stop myself recently because I was drifting into a downward spiral of depression, it was a friend that brought me back up and reminded me to remember what I do have and not what I’ve lost.

Stop, Drop and Breathe

Someone recently said this to me and it’s been working so far. Even by stopping and smelling my first coffee of the day or listening or watching the birds (which is what my mum used to do quite often). Or my favourite thing at the moment, listening to music which helps me digest what life has thrown at me.

What’s Behind Me Is No Longer

There’s a thing in my life called ‘hindsight’ and I spent 99% of my days thinking “I should’ve stood up for myself..” or “I wish I’d said something…” and I’m trying so hard to stop this. I cannot turn back time and even though I think it’s important it isn’t, it’s only important what I do now or what I’m going to do in the future.

Healing Isn’t Linear, I’m Still Walking

I’ve spent many years putting up with bullies, through school, family members and even in the workplace. I never dealt with them, I put up with them. I ‘turned the other cheek’, my mum used to say I should feel sorry for them. I could’ve answered back and argued, but I chose not to use my energy on them. Sometimes I would use my humour, but I always found that difficult with certain family members because I would be paralyzed with my words resulting in making me feeling small.

It is only now that I can give myself credit for what I’ve done and how I’ve got through it. It is never easy going through any sort of trauma, let alone more trauma being added to it. Many sleepless nights and living in fear is normal, but coming out of the other side of it I hope is making me a stronger person.

Beneath The Weight I Will Find My Strength

Coming to terms with a new way of life for me has been a huge turning point, and a very hard one of that. After spending over 20 years supporting family, doing what I thought was the right thing; for then for my own truth to be twisted and used against me. What sort of person would spread lies about a family member, someone who feels guilty or inferior?

It is hard not to become bitter, but I have to turn things around and remember that I know the truth and those who care about me know the truth.

Spending time concentrating on those who are important in my life is what is to be focused on over the next year. Even though I’m going to miss my old life, I need to focus on the change. So this is what I’m going to do and hopefully one day I can learn to forgive myself for not doing what was best for me at the time and putting up with the abuse.

A huge heartfelt to my best friends, really don’t know what I would’ve done without you these last few years.