The thing about depression and anxiety is that everything negative is enhanced, just like lockdown. If you’re already in that state of mind when you’ve got mental health issues lockdown is bad. So my latest news is that I’ve been pinged so now my life is in isolation.
Positives
People were talking about the positives over lockdown and yes, at some point this was me. Don’t we all get to a point where it does all get a too much? I’m finding it harder and harder to think on the positive side of things. Many in lockdown used the time to do a hobby. Take up an exercise regime, running or used the opportunity to start up a business. It was an opportunity to take up something you never get time for.
Hindsight
If lockdown had happened over six years ago then yes this would have been me, BUT it didn’t. This was my problem over lockdown; the what ‘ifs’. People say that hindsight is a great thing but not helpful, I say hindsight should never have been a thing. We need to live in the present and future not the past, the past is for (hopefully happy) memories. It will not always be like that because not everyone is in the same state of mind.
That’s what makes us humans we all have different personalities, sense of humours and memories.
Normality
For me lockdown started off awful, I missed my family and friends more than anything. Most of all my independence of being able to go out and see people. As (what I thought was) the end got closer I had started to feel so relieved. Although I now realise we’ve not actually got to normal yet have we? Normal was when we could go where we want. Whenever we want and not worry about what we were touching and who we were bumping into. Meeting friends on a Saturday and seeing family on a Sunday was normality.
Being careful who I’ve been seeing since being out of lockdown has been a huge thing for myself. Making sure I was taking regular lateral flow tests before going anywhere.
Freedom Day
Then last week I had started to relax a bit and went out for breakfast with some work colleagues. Then two days later went to lunch with my best friend. Both putting off seeing each other for so long because of sheer worry as both of us are born worriers! The British government stated they were happy for us all to go back out. Telling people that it was ‘freedom day’ and that we didn’t have to wear our masks.
It was almost surreal, seeing people not wearing masks that were walking around. It didn’t seem right, and to me it had almost felt like the government had washed their hands of it. Like they had almost decided that enough was enough. They now those stated those as vulnerable to have both vaccines we needed to get on with life. I would LOVE to get on with life, believe me but it’s not going to be that simple is it? Not until this is all over.
Dependents
In October last year my husband had an internal defibrillator fitted. Because of his operation they took his driving licence away for six months. He sent off his driving licence to the DVLA, from that day on I was the only driver between us. I am not going to lie, it was hard work. Not just being the only driver but doing more than what I would usually because he couldn’t do anything strenuous. To be honest the adrenalin is kept me going. Which meant the more I rested the harder it is. So I decided that I just need to keep going and to push myself.
He still hasn’t had his licence back today, it has been ten months like this. It is a strain, I keep thinking that there are so many people that are much more worse situations. I consider myself extremely lucky, we both work for flexible managers. They have let us both change our hours to suit our current lifestyle. He likes to cook and will happily sort out dinner, while I will buzz around doing everything else.
Plans
Last week has been my boys last week for preschool. After seven weeks of summer holidays he will start at the local Infant school. The teachers goodbyes from both his preschools were hard, I shall miss them all. They’ve had such a huge impact on our lives especially over lockdown with supporting us. Friday was his leavers party with his friends. The teachers had arranged a bit of a send off for them. I’d bought a plain white t-shirt ready for fellow friends and teachers to sign and write messages on. We had then planned to take a few of them to soft play and have a lunch out. It was going to be a special day for all of us.
So when I looked at my phone Friday morning and it told me to Isolate I was devastated.
For a few seconds I thought “No I can’t. I just won’t tell anyone till tomorrow!” I am going to hell for even having that thought enter my head. As I came to realisation of it all I cried.
I later washed my face and came downstairs and told my husband. Him being calmer than me in that moment did what he does best. He looked up the rules of isolating and confirmed that I would need to be in isolation for six days. However he and William could still go out. So at least William wouldn’t miss out on his party and I had started to feel a bit better.
Isolation
However because Mike is unable to currently drive I’ve got them all at home with me. No escape and it’s like lockdown all over again. I can feel my anxiety rising and it’s almost the same feeling as I had March last year. It has affected me more than I’d anticipated.
Sitting in the bath crying was at my lowest point. I don’t want to even write down the thoughts I was having back then. It is hard, but they’re people a lot worse off than me I can hear myself saying. I really don’t know how long I can keep saying that to keep me going.
Adrenalin
It’s gone, I don’t even have the adrenalin anymore. It’s taken a holiday and disappeared and told me it’s going to come back when I’m out of isolation. Please come back, because without that I really have nothing to keep me going.
Expert
I should be used to this and know how to deal with this in a productive way. I cannot leave the house, so no runs for me. I have a Nintendo Switch which I could do daily, however William does it with me choosing my workouts. This means no time to myself!
Guest Post
I posted on social media about being in lockdown. Someone contacted me and asked me for a guest post on their website about being in isolation, my first thought? ‘Who on earth would read it? It’ll be depressing and boring!’ However, when I look at the website and it’s aimed at mental health. They’ve seen that I suffer with depression and have asked me to write about it.
There is no way I can give someone else advice on how to deal with it. I mean I’m an expert on feeling depressed and anxious but not on how to cope with it. This is just my honest post about how I’m feeling. The only reason I’m doing this is to show you, “you are NOT alone.”
A few useful websites and publications that I’ve had experience with that have helped that may be useful to you:
annabelwrites.com 
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