I knew it was real, I mean all mums go through it, hell, even dads go through it, dad guilt? Who knows but the pain is real, so real it’s infuriating!
All week has been Easter holidays, and this particular week we’ve been so blessed to be able to leave him with the grandparents. So Monday and Tuesday he was at my in laws and Thursday and Friday he was with my parents, Wednesday is my day off so we popped to our favourite spot for a walk and a picnic!
I feel bad, almost guilty for leaving him with the grandparents, I mean they are a lot older and can’t run around like he can (not that I can for that matter) but he enjoys himself. He has different fun at both sets of parents, neither particularly active but they give him full attention all the same. As the week has gone on I’ve been conscious of the fact that he’s really missing preschool, but holidays are holidays and those members of staff that work in schools and preschools need a holiday like the rest of us.
It’s Friday today, so the guilt is at the top of the scale, I don’t normally suffer with it because when he’s at home he normally gets our full attention most of the time. He doesn’t go without and is always well loved, nourished and very lucky. I think I also feel guilty because I spent half the day on my own, yes I know I can hear other mums screaming at me to not feel guilty but it’s natural isn’t it? The feeling of freedom walking around Tesco looking at clothes thinking, wow I’m actually relaxed. But then it gets ruined by me feeling guilty for it so quickly wonder what he needs and manage to get a new summer hat and a pair of trainers in the next size up. I did make sure I got something too, I treated myself to a hair colour (my roots are awful!) Funnily enough I’m getting my hair done next week, but not coloured, just a cut and perm (too much rambling Annabel!)
I had my vaccine today in Chichester of all places, it was the closest I could get to me when I went online to book it (I’m in the over 45 category now!) I would love to say it was a lovely drive down there, but I’m not going to lie the only time I enjoyed driving was when I came off the M27 and headed towards Chichester on the A27. Sticking to the inside lane avoiding the idiots on the motorway swaying from one side of the motorway to the other, then other drivers driving too close to the car in front. Seriously, if I didn’t have blood pressure problems I could quite easily after doing that journey.
I parked up in the leisure centre car park where I was having the vaccine and for a moment I shut my eyes and enjoying the peace and quiet. It was bliss with the sun on my face, but I was there for a reason!! I didn’t have to wait too long, it was less than ten minutes from me stepping into the leisure centre hall to coming out the otherside in the sunshine. They told me to wait in the area for 15 minutes so I was quite happy to go back to sitting in my car having time to myself, I could’ve gone to Waitrose got a coffee and walked around Bishops Palace Garden. And now I wish I had, but I wanted to go and look at clothes because I’d not done it for so long! So like I said, instead I took a trip to Tesco, and I needed a wee before I did that hours drive back.
When I finally got home, had some lunch and did a bit of work and then finally when I finished I went to collect William. They were out when I got to my parents so I let myself in, I knew mum had her second vaccine today so I assumed that’s where they were. It was carnage, there were stickers and toys everywhere. I didn’t know where to look, but it looked like he’d had a good time. Then when they got home, they had takeaway chicken and chips.
I am not sure what happened after that, because my little boy turned into the devil child and all of a sudden all I wanted to do was take back the hat and trainers I’d bought for him! Like the other days he had been a good boy up till then, according to my parents on his best behaviour. So this was for my benefit apparently, thanks for that. Luckily I was prepared and at home had a bottle of Pinot Grigio in the fridge, I won’t drink all of it mind I will have one, maybe two or even three glasses of it. Just enough to get rid of that mum guilt, it would be like date night by myself!
So let’s see, a few hours to myself and enjoying some peace and quiet was all undone within thirty minutes of seeing him. Not bad, but the bonus is that I did get my vaccine so I’m pleased about that, another stage of life starting to get back to (almost normal).